I know I haven’t written in a while. I had a bunch of ideas for some blogs that I didn’t write, I feel like God’s been teaching me a lot, not in a “hey Isaac, check this out” but more of a “hey Isaac! Stop being an idiot” type of way. So a lot of those blogs aren’t as much as a “hey look how awesome I am” but more of a “look how not awesome I am”. But I’ve gotten in the habit of writing 2 hour long blogs, so I avoid writing blogs when I know I don’t have a few hours to sit down and write, so I’m trying to just write even if it’ll be a short blog.

Even that explanation is longer than it should have been.

Anyway, I’ve been learning how prideful I have been over the years and how much of my pride flew under my radar for so long that I didn’t even notice. If I was more disciplined in writing blogs I would be able to refer to the 2 hour long blog about pride that I would have written a month ago. It would have been about how God has showed me that pride has crept into everything in my life, but I guess that’s what pride does. I think I should say that people always think that pride comes in one form and that is in the form of the prideful person thinks of himself higher than everyone else. Which is true, but I don’t think it comes off in the ways we expect it. I think that’s why it flies under the radar with all of us so much. We think to ourselves “I don’t think of myself better than the next guy” but our actions are constantly driven by that. When we get mad that we have to wait in line it’s driven by the thought that we’ve got important things to do, we don’t think that’s prideful, but if you break it down, you are assuming that everyone else in line doesn’t also have important things to do. That’s just a sample. Another form of pride is using others to get what you want. But you are nice to them in the process so you don’t think that you are being prideful. This can be as amazingly nice as having a sponsored child in Guatemala so other people see how generous you are or even worse, in the Christian world, witnessing to a non-Christian so other Christians would see that you are a great Christian. Without any real concern or regard for that persons soul. Pride is a cancer that comes in forms like colon, brain, stomach, breast and even testicular cancer. Places people don’t want to talk about. One scary form of pride that has reared it’s ugly head in my own life is pornography. I could write a whole blog about that struggle and what God has taught me about grace and his hatred for sin through that. But what’s scary to me is that comes from pride. It’s a specific pride. If pride is using someone else to get what you want or think you need. Then porn and lust is specific to gender. It’s using the opposite sex to fulfill your thoughts, urges or desires. It’s incredibly prideful. I’ve said a million times that sin is something you’ve got to nip in the butt. I used to think that when it comes to porn you have to watch the small things like what movies you watch or what you dwell on. Which is true. But that’s not the root of it, it’s pride. Once you keep allowing yourself to use others to get what you want. Once you keep putting yourself above other people, that’s when you start allowing yourself to do that in so many other areas of sin, like porn, gossip, lying, etc. When you don’t listen to your convictions of treating others lesser than you, it’s easier to allow yourself to get away with the bigger sins. What’s sad is that we don’t put ourselves high above others, just enough so other people and ourself don’t notice it. It’s like 51% above the other person. It’s not a 90%, that’s too obvious. Pride thrives on being subtle and the very root of pride is being subtle. It’s not always about image, but a huge part of it is about image. So if we look prideful, that’ll affect our image. So our pride even keeps us from looking prideful. It’s a terrible cycle. And it’s ruining our relationships with others and especially God.

So that’s the blog that I wasn’t gonna write. But I guess I just did. My bad. That was supposed to be two, I could write books on pride or porn. And I’m not proud of that…or maybe I am??

Anyway, God’s been showing me my prideful, selfish heart. And I’ve wanted God to heal me of it. I prayed that God would change my heart. I want to be nice to people and love them. I want people to see how loving of a guy I am. I want people to look up to me as a Christian. I want people to seek my wisdom and advice. Hilarious irony. I’ve been realizing in my past that I’ve been praying that God would heal me, save me and change my heart from pride so I’d look better. I’d be a model Christian. I’m not thinking about God saving me from my sins so that I can give Him glory and love people with no other reason than that it’s what my God commanded me and maybe it’s something they need. People need to be loved and realize that God loves them and maybe my life is supposed to remind others that God loves them. I shouldn’t love people so people would love me or that people would talk good of me for loving others. I should love people because maybe that’s what people need. People need to be reminded that they are loved by God and enjoyed by God. I’ve struggled with this for so long. I needed to know that God loves and enjoys me. When I forget that’s when I run to other things that give me the impression that those things love me. But I need to find that in God. Others need that too. If I could truly love people the way God commanded me to, imagine how many lives would be changed, imagine what amazing things God can do in their lives. Look at all the damage I cause when I live for myself, imagine all the things God can do when I live for Him.

So with that in mind, I read the short story “The Greatest Gift” that inspired the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”. If you don’t know the story or the movie, the main character George was able to see what the world would be like if he had never been born. He sees that his brother died because he wasn’t there to save him from drowning, that his wife married another man that treats her horribly and several other people’s lives were miserable because he wasn’t there to help. So he says to the angel (in the book) “Change me back, please, not just for my sake but for the sake of others too”.

That hit me, I need that to be my prayer. I need to remember how much I can hurt other people when I’m left to my own devices. How much selfishness comes from this heart of mine and how many times it subtly oppresses others around me. I need to be selfless, not to look better, not to be talked well about. But because I’m reckless and I’ve hurt so many people with my words and actions. I need to be stopped. I need to change, not just for my sake but for the sake of others. So I don’t hurt people anymore and especially so they know that God loves them and that He would get the glory.

your friend,

-Isaac